ayurvedic massage

I have a complicated relationship with ayurvedic massages. Although they sound like a good idea, they're strange. Very strange. I invariably end up tense, stiff as a board and scolded by the women massaging me to "free your body madam".

Here's the thing, it's difficult to 'free my body' when my internal dialogue sounds something like this: "Please, please, please get your finger OUT of my bellybutton", "Oh God, I hope they aren't going to hit my breasts too", and "Tweaking! Holy sh*t, I could swear that was tweaking". You try relaxing, I dare you.